More Word to the World

Finances

Here are a few general questions and thoughts concerning the handling of finances in marriage.

The first is a question. Who should handle the finances in a family? The answer is, He or she who is most qualified with numbers and financial management.  If it is the wife, she should manage the financed and keep her husband informed of what’s coming and going.  If it is the husband, he should do the same. The point is, do not leave other uninformed or uninvolved. As in a business, the manager needs to provide regular reports to the owner.

Questions and disputes about what to do with finances should be settled by discussion between the two.  If no agreement achieved, the husband must decide and the wife will be honored by the Lord for her submission.

Should the wife/mother work? Consider this verse concerning wives. She is…

Titus 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

The phrase, “keeper at home” comes from the Greek word, oikourgos, a combined word which means to be a guard of or worker in the home. If possible, the wife who is a mother of small children should not work outside of the home. It is usually best for the family, but it is not against the scripture for a wife to work as Proverbs 31 speaks of the virtuous woman who worked diligently outside of the home.

Should we have separate finances or put them together? It may be better to have a single checking accounts and budgets rather than keeping finances separate.  However, if separate accounts are maintained, the couple should still pool the money and pay all expenses from a joint budget to avoid competitive notions such as “my money” and “your money.” It is “our money”.

Debt and financial troubles are the primary sources of tension in a marriage. Avoid impulsive buying and do not charge more that can be paid off in one month. Avoid the urge to buy just for the sake of buying. Saving 25% on something you really don’t need is not a savings but a loss.

Always tithe (Malachi 3:3-11) to the church. This puts the couple on God’s financial plan and will yield unforeseen blessings. A good plan is to give 10%, save 10% and spend the rest with thanksgiving.

By saving and having an emergency fund set aside, you can eliminate borrowing or using credit cards in most cases.  If you borrow from lending institution, you pay them back with interest. If you have been saving, you have accumulated the interest and will have that to spend also.

Develop a budget and lifestyle that allows you to live on less than you make. Some decide they do not make enough money to save. However, when they solve the “not enough money” problem by borrowing or using credit, they end up taking money out of the budget later to make those payments. If instead of having to make payments to someone else after the borrowing/spending, make payments beforehand into your savings account. It costs less and causes less stress.

Develop a plan to pay off debts and decide to stay out of debt.

Appear attractive to your partner

“Man looketh on the outward appearance” 1 Samuel 16:7

Look good for your partner. It is likely that physical attraction was what initially drew you and your partner together. It should continue to be important to you to look attractive to your mate.

We are unable to reverse most age-driven changes that occur to our body but we can make an effort to be healthy and well-groomed. Eat healthy, exercise and keep trim figure even after marriage.

Although appearance alone does not make a good marriage, it is beneficial to the health of your relationship to take ownership of the responsibility to look good for your mate in the areas you have control. Shave on your day off if you are with your partner. Do you look like a slob when at home?  Do you take care of offensive body odor?  Be comfortable but not contemptible.

If you as a wife are at home, spend last few minutes before your husband arrives tidying yourself and the home for the high point of his return home. The women in the work place are tidy for the eight to ten hours they spend with your husband.  Maintain your attractiveness to your husband. Complement your partner’s dress/grooming. Have a good answer for the, “Does this make me look fat?” question. Better yet, complement before he/she asks. Make mention of her attractiveness regularly.

In-law relationships

In sum, the scriptural admonition for handling in-law relationships is: Live separately but be respectful and honor them.

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

A man usually wants to come home from work to meet his wife and family in the privacy of his own home. A woman needs to have her own home so she can fulfill and grow into her role as guardian of the home. She is the queen of her own home. To always be at the in-laws’ house hinders the growth of mature love for one another, our role in the home is confused, our dependence on each other is hampered, and the bonding of the young family is hindered.

Honor you in-laws.  They may have good advice.

Ex 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

The need to honor our parents is not a command only to small children but adult children as well. The loving wife will not make her husband choose between his mother or her. Mothers are mothers forever. And the considerate husband will not compare his wife to his mother – in cooking, laundry, housekeeping, etc.

Pray that you can accept your spouse’s parents. Our own parents are more acceptable to us than our partner’s parents but we can improve our acceptance of them by working on it. They spent many years and thousands of dollars preparing your partner for you.

Avoid speaking negatively with or about your partner’s parents.  As children come along, it is important for them to develop a healthy relationship with their grandparents.

Abuse

After discussing the headship of the husband, it is important to follow up with a discussion of abuse. Headship of the husband in the home is not a license to abuse his wife, physically, verbally, or emotionally. That is completely contrary to scripture and the foundation of the marriage relationship (based on Christ’s love for the church).

Years ago, there was an old English proverb that once was used by husbands to justify physical abuse in the home: A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree, The more you beat, the better they be.

Unfortunately, U.S. law condoned wife abuse and protected the right of men to beat their wives through the mid 1800s. (When Battered Women Kill, 1987). As an example, here is a quote from U.S. case law: Fulgham v. State, 1871:
The privilege, ancient though it may be, to beat her with a stick, to pull her hair, choke her, spit in her face, or kick her about the floor, or to inflict upon her like indignities, is not now acknowledged by our law.

As many as 4 million incidents of domestic violence against women every year.” (Women & Violence: Hearings Before the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, 1990.) 30% of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by their male partners. (Report of the Gender Bias Study of the Supreme Judicial Court, 1989)

The Bible stands against spouse abuse. 

Malachi 2:14-16 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

Treachery – violation of allegiance of faith and confidence, likely to betray trust, unreliable, providing insecure footing or support, quicksand, marked by hidden dangers, hazards or perils.

Marriage MUST NOT be characterized by the words: violence, dangerous, hazardous or perilous, but love, mutual submission, protection, and honor.

Abuse

1.                 After discussing the headship of the husband, it is important to follow up with a discussion of abuse. Headship of the husband in the home is not a license to abuse his wife, physically, verbally, or emotionally. That is completely contrary to scripture and the foundation of the marriage relationship (based on Christ’s love for the church).

2.                 Years ago, there was an old English proverb that once was used by husbands to justify physical abuse in the home:
A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree, The more you beat, the better they be.

3.                 Unfortunately, U.S. law condoned wife abuse and protected the right of men to beat their wives through the mid 1800s. (When Battered Women Kill, 1987)

4.                 As an example, here is a quote from U.S. case law: Fulgham v. State, 1871
The privilege, ancient though it may be, to beat her with a stick, to pull her hair, choke her, spit in her face, or kick her about the floor, or to inflict upon her like indignities, is not now acknowledged by our law.

5.                 As many as 4 million incidents of domestic violence against women every year.” (Women & Violence: Hearings Before the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, 1990.)

6.                 30% of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by their male partners. (Report of the Gender Bias Study of the Supreme Judicial Court, 1989)

7.                 The Bible stands against spouse abuse.
Malachi 2:14-16 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his  garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

8.                 Treachery – violation of allegiance of faith and confidence, likely to betray trust, unreliable, providing insecure footing or support, quicksand, marked by hidden dangers, hazards or perils.

9.                 Marriage should NOT be characterized by the words: violence, dangerous, hazardous or perilous, but love, mutual submission, protection, and honor.

Head of the house

What does it mean to be the head of the house? Husband, when you tied the knot with that lady, you became a knot head. And being the head means your job is to serve others.

Mark 10:42-44
42 But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.
43 But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister:
44 And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.

The husband’s role is to serve as a leader. Not dominating and stifling, but leading, protecting, providing, and caring for her with understanding.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel , and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

You are heirs together but must be the stronger one by demonstrating good leadership in your home. In summary, submission/headship means that the husband is responsible for final decisions yet leads as a servant; wife is equal yet fully submissive.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

The last time we introduced the topic of submission. Submission is actually a beneficial thing for the wife – God has cherished her enough to place someone responsible for her care. Anyone who thinks that having the responsibility of making final decisions is better than submitting to someone else probably hasn’t had the responsibility.

How should a Christian husband exercise authority and how should a Christian wife submit? Submission is recognizing the husband has the responsibility for making the final decision when you don’t agree on an issue. Submit your plan to your husband with love not with dominating anger or schemes of manipulation.

If you are convinced your plan is right, pray that God will change his mind. The wife should ask herself some honest questions regarding submission:

a.         “Am I out of order by trying to usurp authority that God gave to my husband?
b.         Am I so relentless in demanding my opinion that my husband gives up his role as the God-appointed head of our home in order to have peace?”

A wife needs to pray, “Lord, make me a submissive wife.  Give me a submissive spirit.  Show me what it means in my situation with my personality to be submissive.” When the husband doesn’t have to struggle for his place of authority, he will naturally be more open to listening to the suggestions/needs of his wife.

Here is a real-life example:

A young wife, after reading about the principles of submission, decided to try being a submissive wife. Initially, she was disgusted at the thought, but her marriage wasn’t happy so she began to work on it.  After one month, her husband surprised her with this comment: “Honey, I want you to know that I really enjoy coming home at night.  Some of the guys at the office work late or stop off for a drink on the way home.  It seems they do anything they can to put off going home.  But with me, I feel a peace the minute I come in the door.  It’s great.”  Being submissive became her joy word.

Submission

Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Is the idea of submission old and outdated notion originating from an ancient foreign culture? The order of marriage is set forth in Ephesians 5:22-25 and transcends cultural norms by comparing the marriage relationship to the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:22-25
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Authority is also the main issue discussed in 1 Corinthians 11 (sometimes called the hair chapter):

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

The wife is submissive – this is her appointment by God.  But her status before God is not inferior to the man, but equal:

Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

The wife is fully equal to the husband in worth but fully subject to him in the authority structure. Submission is required for the sake of order in the home.

Make him/her feel important

How do you get your wife to treat you like a king? Treat her like a queen. Don’t put down or criticize your partner in front of others, friends or family. That is one of the most damaging wrongs a person can do against their partner. Nothing is as humiliating than to learn that your spouse has put you down or criticized you to an outsider.

Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

On the other hand, we must practice building and praising them. That will make you a valuable and esteemed spouse.  Find something about your spouse to publicly brag on. Ask yourself this question, “What do I appreciate about my wife – and how can I let her know it?” Pay attention to her both in public and in private.  What she/he says is worth listening to.

Note the progression of declining interest that creates problems in many marriages.

(1)        A woman feels drawn by her nature to bind herself to the man that demonstrates interest in her

(2)        After the challenge and excitement of the game of “Can I catch this woman?” is past, men sometimes withdraw themselves from full and creative participation in the relationship.

(3)        He replaces her with something else like sports, hunting, cars, etc., as his primary interest.

(4)        Wife feels defeated and betrayed when the marriage becomes a matter of secondary interest to her husband.

Seek to learn what makes her/him feel important. If you no longer pursue your spouse, remember that that was one of the things that made them feel special—that feeling of being special and important to someone else. And that works both ways.

Be sensitive to your partner’s hurts

What kind of hurts does my partner have? Unless we have damage to our nervous system, we are naturally and automatically sensitive to the hurts of our bodies. If I stub my toe or bang my head, I take special care of that part which is hurting.

With your spouse, you have to learn what causes hurts and avoid those things. Work at not causing your partner hurts. The Bible tells husbands to be gentle, so as to cause their wives no hurt.

Colossians 3:19 Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. NIV

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. KJV

The husband’s spiritual leadership in the home depends upon the way he treats his wife.

“Live considerately with your wives. . . that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7).

One man admitted regarding his marital relationship, “For a long time I ignored my wife’s emotional hurts.  They threatened me, because I didn’t know what to do about them.  I guess I felt that, being a man and the head of the home, if there was a problem, I ought to be able to do something about it.  And not knowing what to do, I just looked the other way.”

When it comes to emotional hurts, she usually does not need you to fix her or her problem, but to listen to her with compassion and understanding of her feelings.

To summarize the marital conflict management plan, we see these four steps. When faced with conflict with your spouse:

1. Communicate with God about the solution;

2. Communicate with partner in love;

3. Pray for renewed love for your partner;

4. Forgive.

If you repeatedly follow this procedure, you will find that your reaction to your partner’s actions will be led by the Holy Ghost and your love will increase so that, like quality paint, it will cover a multitude of weaknesses.